I have to stop picking things apart and realise it was perfect all on its own. It’s what I wanted at some point in my life and I have to thankful that I got it. I am thankful. I want to pray and sing and shout. I am thankful!!! I am confused but I am still thankful. I am lucky. That may be the first night - or it may be the last night - but either way it happened. I can’t change it or erase it but I can appreciate it. I can enjoy it. I can learn from it. I need to grow up and take responsibility for myself.
Last night was strange and confusing and has left me with a butterflies-empty-tingly feeling in my stomach. I just woke up to messages from 4 different people and 4 missed calls. I need to find something empowering, something that lets me feel again. So here it is. He phoned me last night saying that his friend is going home and he didn’t want to go home so I invited him up to my friends house where I was at a family party of hers. I had to walk to meet him. He was pretty drunk. He laughed and shouted and he spent about 5 hours talking to me… about himself. He never paused and said “hey, what about you?” he just spoke about himself. Him and my friend got on pretty well. Then his other ‘best friend’ phoned him and he told me to come and sit with him while he was on the phone and I was drunk and mad. That pretty much sums up the night. I was drunk and mad. I want to be really honest - I could pretend I am a sensible grown up girl who doesn’t mind that his best friend’s are girls and I am probably just another one of them. However I’m not. I am crazy jealous. I want him all to myself. I WANT HIM ALL TO MYSELF. I want us. I want us to be together alone without anyone. I want to hold his hand and kiss him and for him to ask about me and not talk about himself for 5 fucking hours. No that night didn’t turn out like I’d have hoped but I did realise. HE DOESN’T LOVE ME. He just doesn’t. Last night when he was on the phone to his precious best friend he kept looking at me awkwardly then it turned out that my friend knows his friend so they spoke on the phone and I sat down on the concrete, spilling my drink and he stared down at me like I was weak and pathetic and when I think of that I realise I can’t be like anymore. I can’t be the one who needs him. That’s always been me. He said we were friends last night. I lay there beside him watching his every move and he said ‘we are friends’ and before all I wanted was him to accept me as his friend but then I didn’t really want that. Ultimately I just want to be special to him. I hate being drunk because now I can barely remember our conversations, its all a scary blur and I have been in my bed all day - half sobbing and half sleeping - and ignoring everyone in my life because of him…. because I thought I needed him. I can’t see inside his head. I have so much to sort out in my life right now… Oh god I am trying. I just hate everything now though. I have ignored my dad’s phone calls for weeks but he disappears out of my life for so long and then expects to come back into it as my dad. It doesn’t work that way. I need to concentrate on sorting out the things in my life that I can control. It’s harder than it sounds. Basically I feel sad. I feel weak. I feel pathetic. I feel angry (all at me) because I don’t know where I stand in my relationship with him. People are confusing but he is one of the worst. I won’t wait here all day. Come and get me if you want me.
Sometimes I want to pray, I want to kneel down at the side of my bed like you see in old movies and pray to God for some help. I can’t say I’m an atheist. I can’t say I’m religious. I’m still trying to figure all that out but I know that today many religious and beliefs have been washed out by everything else. Religious was once a charming yellow colour - encouraging and bright - but now we have washed it out into grey. People rarely admit to me they are religious for fear of judgement and ridicule. Beliefs and religious views are unique to everyone (sort of like moments) part of being giving a life is being giving the right to believe in what ever you want to believe in, if its not affecting anyone else. I want to believe in God and The Big Bang Theory and I want to visit my favourite Buddhist retreat and go to Mosques. I want to believe in everything, (because really anything could be real for all I know) what does that make me?
I have never been religious - never been christened and never went to church. My family never encouraged me to be religious.. or not be. I believe in simply what I determine to feel correct. Today my friend - who was blissfully unaware of my weekend filled with anxiety and screaming and begging for help - spoke very interestingly about his religious views. However as he spoke I never once considered his words to be powered by religion. He told me that our lives have already been determined, even before we are growing in our mothers womb, God has determined our path. I listened carefully, hanging onto his every word with limited scepticism. He told me that whenever I feel like things aren’t working or aren’t going well… to not ‘kill myself’… to not throw it all away because God has a plan. He has a plan for me and everyone else, he wants all of this - what’s happening right now - to happen. If you die at 25 then God planned all along that this was to be. My key point here is that my friend is one of the happiest people I know. It hit me right there (and that was a moment) that he really believed that. There was no doubt in his eyes or his voice. I have never been religious. However in that moment I really hoped that God has a plan for me.
I find moments are becoming harder and harder to come by. Moments stand out from day to day life but I have found a way to create a moment - right there and then. While in the middle of a conversation I like to pause and look into that persons eyes and glance off somewhere in the distance. More often than not they will ask what you are looking at (and if they don’t they are definitely in love with you because they are too busy gazing at you to notice what you are looking at…. or completely uninterested and weren’t even listening to the conversation in hand. It’s a fine line) and you can simply say “I was creating a moment” and from there on that will be a moment. A moment meaning that it will be remembered and maybe even treasured… that next time they are in that particular position or standing in that place they will remember the moment they stood there before. Moment is a tricky word. It has endless connotations and meanings and that’s why it is special - every time I use the word moment someone is thinking of their own moment. It’s personal to each and every one of us. Some days are filled with endless moments, I don’t mean they are particularly exciting, they just featured moments.
The person I love just told me he is closed off because it means he doesn’t get hurt and now I really know I love him because that hurt me so much. Thinking of him wrapping himself in cotton wool in fear. Fear doesn’t really exist, fear isn’t like love - that’s why love can overshadow fear. Fear is like paranoia. Fear is just created inside the mind, which of course doesn’t make it real but makes it controllable. That’s the best advice I know, the advice I will give to everyone I meet. Don’t live in fear. Don’t do something because you are scared - please please don’t. Doing something despite fear is courage and that is one thing I can say I have.
More than anything on this earth right now I need someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be OK. I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever experienced today. It was at my work and I don’t know how to go back there and be normal. I’m not sure how to do anything anymore. The only person who is there for me is so far away. I reached out to one of my friends and he won’t return my calls and it makes it so difficult for us to be friends sometimes and I’m not sure why. I really need him and he is nowhere to be seen. I hope he accidentally stumbles across this and phones me but his voice is all I need to hear right now. Before when I had panic attacks I would think of his rough hands and chapped lips and I would be ok eventually. This time it was different because he wasn’t there for me. Please help me. I need help so badly. This is me, reaching out for help.
It’s terrible that I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed by the hours and days I spent imagining you and me and us. I don’t want to sound possessive but I think you were born to be mine and that makes me crazy. (I will always come back to you)
Ok. Ok. So I met this guy and we have been texting and I feel so immature because I know he wants to meet up for sex but I’m hoping it will be cute dates but lets be honest, he is not thinking that. I like him though. I really do but I just found out that he has a long term girlfriend that lives far away… But he doesn’t know I know. And I know everyone’s advice will be ‘tell her! Have some morals and leave him alone!’ But REALLY this is not my fault at all. Like honestly so maybe ill sleep with him and ill be the bad guy. His relationship has nothing to do with me. Don’t call me selfish. It’s true. If I had a boyfriend and I slept with another guy and didn’t tell him it would be ALL my fault. Just don’t give me fucking bad sexist advice. Just don’t.
I think I’ve really lost it this time. Ok so I’ll try and start from the beginning and for once I really hope someone is reading. (This ‘blog’ is simply a random collection of my anonymous thoughts. I write a lot of them down but sometimes I feel like typing) I think I am falling in love. I write about him all the time, pages and pages and lots of run out pens tells stories about the way he walked that day or he glanced over at me reading or the watch on his wrist. We are friends, quite good friends I think. I just want to wrap him in bubble wrap and protect him forever. He makes me insides tingle. I draw pictures of him and gaze at photos he has taken. I spent hours daydreaming about him and think about what he looks like when the light hits him and what he will look like when he wakes up in my bed. I love him a million times over. I can’t cure this, can someone help?